Are Titles Really Important?

There was a heightened sense of vulnerability in the ship today, and I didn’t want to get caught with my pants down, as it were. Five minutes ago, I heard the alarm go screaming, followed by the Captain’s less than calm warning.

*crackle* “Ah, this is your captain speaking….you may have noticed that the ship is currently…oh shit…I mean, um…*ahem* there’s nothing to- oh shit, they’re coming aboard!” *crackle*

I knew what to do. I extracted the shiny metal weapon given to us before we departed. It was a small pistol looking thing, and I technically had never fired it. I had run the simulator several times, and by simulator, I of course mean playing Goldeneye 007 on my Nintendo for the last ten years. I had beaten everyone I know at that game and I was more than certain that if I ever came across a situation where I needed to shoot my way out, I would be ready.
Now as I said, I didn’t want to get caught with my pants down. So before anyone could catch sight of me, I pulled them up. I then slowly opened the bathroom door. No one seemed to make much notice of it, so I took that to mean that no one had actually boarded the ship yet. I crept closer to the door, and glimpsed my reflection in the mirror. I remember thinking, “Damn, I look good….” Wait…was that a zit on my nose?
“Son of a…” I remarked to myself as I started to lean towards the mirror for a closer examination. I was just about ready to clear the blemish when I heard a very loud crash and smash combination sound. I was jolted back to the task at hand and with my weapon pointed out I jumped out of the bathroom like a rabid animal, and began shouting obscenities in every language I knew. As I go over the security record of the incident, which includes a grainy yet detailed image as well as an audio file, it seemed the only language I knew was English.
After I had finished with my intimidating and swear filled battle cry, I pointed my gun directly at what appeared to be one of the invaders. Our new company didn’t seem to be organic. I only saw metal. I yelled, “Stop right there robotic fiend!” and kept my gun trained on my adversary. He didn’t move. I clearly had the upper hand at this point, and figured I would try to get a little information out of it.
“Who are you?!?!” I yelled madly. No response. “God damn it I said, who the hell are you?!?!” Again, silence from the invader.
“Don’t wanna talk huh? I don’t blame you really. I’m not sure I’d have a lot to say either in your position. I would consider bargaining for my life, however, seeing as how I’m the one with the gun here." From my vantage point, I could see no visible weapons. I was smarter than that though. I’ve seen plenty of robots and know for an immediate fact that they can conceal anything in their millions of empty and hidden compartments. There was no way I was going to underestimate my foe. I stood my ground amidst the uncomfortable silence, and after a few minutes I barked once more at the invader.
“You’d better tell me EXACTLY who you are, WHY you’re here, and if we have time and I don’t end up having to kill you, I’d like to know a little about your civili-“
“CHRIS!!! What the hell are you doing?!” yelled our Captain. At me, no less.
“You know what I’m doing…and don’t distract me damn it! I don’t want to be blindsided…” I answered.
The Captain sighed and said, “You’re holding the dinner cart at gun point. And that’s not a gun,” he said. “That’s a toilet paper roll.”
“You said we were being boarded!” I stammered. “Have they gotten to you already? Is this a trick?!” I asked and flailed what I still thought was my weapon in the Captain’s direction now. I wasn’t going to be taken alive.
“No...no trick…look, we don’t have a lot of time so you’re going to have to trust me. The ship fuel is still in your system and it seems to be really fucking you up, man. We are about to be boarded, it hasn’t happened yet, and we were on our way to the escape pod. Ok?” said the Captain as though he was talking a mental patient down from the roof. He grabbed my arm and I instinctively followed him and the rest of the crew down towards the escape pod. “If we can get to it in time, we can jettison the ship and probably land on the small moon below. “
We might as well get this part out of the way right now. Yes, I ate the ship fuel, and no I didn’t know it was ship fuel. I thought it was something else. I’m pretty sure I ate it three or four days ago, and it hits me about every four or five hours. Why am I not dead after eating the fuel designed for a starship to travel at light speed across the galaxy? Ship’s doctor couldn’t understand it either. He was already in the escape pod and was waiting for me. He handed me a small pill and a glass of water and said, “I cannot believe you ate the fucking fuel you stupid shit head. We’re gonna run out of these pills you know.”
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Well, that's about all I can sit through for now. I don’t have any dates on these, so I don’t know what order they’re going to follow. Looks like I’m no closer to finding out the whole truth, or anywhere close to finding out about my toothy ash tray here. I don't even know if I want to know the truth anymore...it stands to reason that as long I'm here now, I shouldn't care about what happened while I was gone. Yeah, I think I might just let these things sit for a while. I'll pull one out every now and then, but I'm just glad I'm home. Oh, and by the way....just keep one thing in mind. There is no such thing as Blue Hash. If you ever think you've found any? For God's sake leave it alone.